1 step forward 2 steps back!

Post from January 2019!

I googled “how to get over your cheating husband” and “how to get over when your husband leaves you for another women” at least a million times. Seems like a lot of women feel the same way I do: I just can’t accept that they could actually be happy together. People tell me it won’t last as their relationship will be based on lies anyway. I get that but for some reason the idea of him being happy when everyone around is suffering infuriate me and obsessed me. I have read many authors saying that unless I let it go and don’t give a damn about his story, I won’t be able to move on with mine. Well I do have good days, awesome days where I don’t mind him sleeping with half of the city because I this point he looks ridiculous, and then I have these moments when I am affraid to go to the grocery store and see them. I haven’t met her yet and I am hoping I wont have to. I just came back from a 5 stars all inclusive trip (purchase when Him and I were together) and although having this time alone with my kids and our friends was awesome, he was missed. By me, by the kids by our friends. We all try to avoid the subject but it was obvious. You see Him and I travelled very well together and we were always looking forward our yearly trip in the south. He did skype a few time with the kids but it was worst after; we all missed him even more. So as I was sitting next to the pool having many drinks my friend and I got talking about my situation. She (like all our friends) couldn’t believe what Him has became. She told me something a lot of people told me but i don’t seem to remember “You deserve better, you deserve a perfect guy”. That is always nice to hear but when you believed you had a perfect guy they now seems extinct. She also told me that when we travelled with them few years go she has noticed that I was talking to Him very rudly. She mentionned to her husband at the time that she didn’t know if our marriage was goign to survive. I was so surprise! I remember vaguely a morning where we had a small argument but I remember the day going very well. I started to think how many of these moments have I not see? Then I was back 2 steps: thinking it was my fault, having pay more attention I could have save my marriage… NO! This is the kind of moment that brings me back and stops me from going forward. In my case I noticed that the biggest triggers for reopening a wound that is not even close are: His current life, the thought of what we had and won’t have again, and trying to find reasons why. He still doesn’t show any regrets or desire to retrieve what we had, so why my heart keep going back to the possibility? I do deserve better, I do deserve someone that will give as much love as I do, someone that will understand that relationship require work but they are worth it, someone that will enjoy little things in life and will be excited to share them with me. And so do you!! I have been on dating site for about 4 months now…. Something that I thought would be motivating turns out to be demoralizing! At this point these guys are making Him look like a good guy after all. So my advice to myself for today is to listen at the good stories my friends are telling me and stop trying to find the whys of my failed marriage. All my friends know at least one women that had a bad divorce and ended more happy after with a men or women that actually respected them and discovered a deeper love. So my friend, if you go through a similar moment in your mourning remember these stories. I can say openly that I am coming out of this marriage without any regrets, I wasn’t perfect, I do have mood swing and I tend to want to control everything; I recognize it; but I did give everything in this relationship. He couldn’t see it or communicate that he wasn’t happy; well that’s on him! I have wanted his happiness more than my own for the past 13 years, now I have to switch my mind and concentrate on myself. I need to learn the dance and one day the 1 step forward 2 steps back will become 3 steps forward and no steps back. No one can stop you now except yourself. Although it seems impossible at times; I have so much love from people surrounding me; it can’t go wrong 🙂

2 Steps forward, 1 steps backs… but it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back!