Post from January 2019!

I googled “how to get over your cheating husband” and “how to get over when your husband leaves you for another women” at least a million times. Seems like a lot of women feel the same way I do: I just can’t accept that they could actually be happy together. People tell me it won’t last as their relationship will be based on lies anyway. I get that but for some reason the idea of him being happy when everyone around is suffering infuriate me and obsessed me. I have read many authors saying that unless I let it go and don’t give a damn about his story, I won’t be able to move on with mine. Well I do have good days, awesome days where I don’t mind him sleeping with half of the city because I this point he looks ridiculous, and then I have these moments when I am affraid to go to the grocery store and see them. I haven’t met her yet and I am hoping I wont have to. I just came back from a 5 stars all inclusive trip (purchase when Him and I were together) and although having this time alone with my kids and our friends was awesome, he was missed. By me, by the kids by our friends. We all try to avoid the subject but it was obvious. You see Him and I travelled very well together and we were always looking forward our yearly trip in the south. He did skype a few time with the kids but it was worst after; we all missed him even more. So as I was sitting next to the pool having many drinks my friend and I got talking about my situation. She (like all our friends) couldn’t believe what Him has became. She told me something a lot of people told me but i don’t seem to remember “You deserve better, you deserve a perfect guy”. That is always nice to hear but when you believed you had a perfect guy they now seems extinct. She also told me that when we travelled with them few years go she has noticed that I was talking to Him very rudly. She mentionned to her husband at the time that she didn’t know if our marriage was goign to survive. I was so surprise! I remember vaguely a morning where we had a small argument but I remember the day going very well. I started to think how many of these moments have I not see? Then I was back 2 steps: thinking it was my fault, having pay more attention I could have save my marriage… NO! This is the kind of moment that brings me back and stops me from going forward. In my case I noticed that the biggest triggers for reopening a wound that is not even close are: His current life, the thought of what we had and won’t have again, and trying to find reasons why. He still doesn’t show any regrets or desire to retrieve what we had, so why my heart keep going back to the possibility? I do deserve better, I do deserve someone that will give as much love as I do, someone that will understand that relationship require work but they are worth it, someone that will enjoy little things in life and will be excited to share them with me. And so do you!! I have been on dating site for about 4 months now…. Something that I thought would be motivating turns out to be demoralizing! At this point these guys are making Him look like a good guy after all. So my advice to myself for today is to listen at the good stories my friends are telling me and stop trying to find the whys of my failed marriage. All my friends know at least one women that had a bad divorce and ended more happy after with a men or women that actually respected them and discovered a deeper love. So my friend, if you go through a similar moment in your mourning remember these stories. I can say openly that I am coming out of this marriage without any regrets, I wasn’t perfect, I do have mood swing and I tend to want to control everything; I recognize it; but I did give everything in this relationship. He couldn’t see it or communicate that he wasn’t happy; well that’s on him! I have wanted his happiness more than my own for the past 13 years, now I have to switch my mind and concentrate on myself. I need to learn the dance and one day the 1 step forward 2 steps back will become 3 steps forward and no steps back. No one can stop you now except yourself. Although it seems impossible at times; I have so much love from people surrounding me; it can’t go wrong 🙂

2 Steps forward, 1 steps backs… but it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back!

This post was written in December 2018!
My friends warned me: Don’t believe what he says! Of course I shouldn’t have, but I did. From his explaination of his relationship in front of the lawyers, to his story to our friends
about how he finaly met his soulmate and the grand finaly of his desire to marry her.
Everytime I will see him looking happy or hear his happily ever after story I would be sad, filled with anger because I didnt think he deserved to be happy when I was miserable.
No one around me believed he could be happy; after all he lost his family, his house and lot of his friends for a girl he slept with many moons ago.You
see Him knows me, he knows how to get me to react, he knows that although I am putting on a smile, I am hurt inside. But I never though he was a liar so I always believed everyhting
he said, somehow sometimes I still do. My friends told me he had to fake, he had to look like
he was still in control and life eventually would unreveal his lies . My best friend came over
one night and we had too much wine, he decided to start an online dating site profile for me,
he was on a quest to finding me a decent men. The morning after I opened my emails and
the site sent me his profile as daily match! I shouldn’t have felt happiness at that moment about him needed someone but I did. So did all my friends that saw it coming. This is a lot of personal details I am revealing but like all my post I am sharing what I
learned; no one can be 100% happy after a break up, and people that want to convince themself they are, will only take longer to ill. I lived my pain, cried more than I thought it was
humanly posible, reminisce about all our happy moments trying to find where we went wrong, and culpabilize myself for actions that weren’t mine. This is what you should not do. Lesson from this story; life isn’t always what it seems, maybe your ex will look like he or she has it all together and maybe they do but hapiness comes with time and honestly with ourselves. The
hard part is shifting our mindeset from wanted the hapiness of our partner to concentrate on
our own hapiness. I watched the movie The shack (which I recommend) and it helped me
understand that I wasn’t the one to decide what Him punishment should be for all the pain he
has caused, life will. I can only focus on what’s coming for me and the kids; and I can slowly
starts seeing that it will be amazing!
Blessing of the day; my friends that are still supporting me, dating site for opening my eyes
and myself for not giving up and keep on believing in real love.

I think life should give you a number and give the same number to your soulmate! That
would be so much easier to find each other! I guess god thought it would be more entertaining to let us wonder and try the ones over and over again! Today I want to talk about the ups and downs of being single after more than a decate! First I am mid thirties so
the pool of available candidates is separate in groups: Group 1: They have kids and are separate, they are looking for the ones and have high expectation; you never know if they
are fully ready or still not over their previous relationship, Group 2: they have being very
active on the love market and just realized that the time is going by; they are in mode I need
a wife and as many children as possible! Group 3: They just came out of a long term
relationship and are in their midlife crisis; they want to feel young and are looking for
someone or many someones to make them feel young again (Him) Group 4: They are still
teenagers at heart, no steady jobs, and are very much attract by women that have it all
together; looking for a sugar mommy! Group 5: One night it’s you and one night’s its her type
of guy. They need sex, bottom line they will tell you what you need to hear and get you
where they want you to be.
Well I am sure there is a few candidates that are not in any of these categories but i haven’t
met them yet! Based on my many dates and online exchanges here is why these groups do
not work with what I am looking for. Group 1: this is what I am looking for minus the “I miss
my wife’’. I have enough trouble getting over my own break up I can’t deal with someone
else! And this is a real turn off on a date if he talks about his ex-wife.
Group 2: I was a wife and loved it. I had kids and I loved them more than anything; but I won’t have anymore, I am pass this stage. So this just take off a huge part of the market!
Group 3: Obviosuly I am not looking to get with someone like Him! Lol I had a guy once sending me messages and then sending me a random message. I quickly discover that he
thought I was someone else; he got messed up between his dates!! This type of guy will also send picture of his private and talk about himself with lot of pride. They are often the most insecure; I don’t need someone that is looking for himself… I am just getting to know myself!
Group 5: I lost lot of self confidence in my breakup but something I am pretty sure is that I
don’t need practice, I am pretty good at it! And the thought of someone that was sexually
active with tons of partner is discusting to me; is he clean???
Now that you know some of my expenrience on dating site you will be surprise to know that I
know my right guy is there; I still believe in love and everyday I am getting closer. If you use
online dating and get discourage don’t! See it as you are reducing the pool until you find the
good one! Online has to be taken with a little bit of humour and lot of patience!
Cheers to my date to come…. Wish me luck!

I have been doing very well for months now. Well I still gets all fire up when he does stuff I do not agree with but overall I felt I was doing well! It only took 2 bottles of wine, a moving truck and his attitude to turn an afternoon into the biggest breakdown I ever had! And of course my parents in law had to show up when I am at my drunkest to explain to me how they feel I was over controlling and I suffocated him through our years of marriage! Then I seriously do not know what I said, maybe it’s better I do not remember!  I gave him the satisfaction to see me drunk, weak, looking like a mess; which is frustrating because I have been avoiding giving him this power for months. Well no good story start with a salad so my new story started with wine! Lol Every step of a separation you think you feel like you have reach the top, then you have to climb a little more and a little more….  So yesterday turn out to be a pitty party; poor me, mean him…. Bla bla bla… I wake up this morning super ashamed of what I looked like but really I wake up with a house empty of baggage and the sun is shining bright. So 6 months of speaking about Him, is enough. Now it is all about the girls, my friends, my home, my work and me. I am excited for all the good things to come! I am feeling sad my kids saw me in this stage so it is my job to explain and fix it: mommy is human after all!  They need a strong mommy. I went back on the move on wagon: meditation, visualization, expressing gratitude and counting blessing, making plans for the future and being nice to myself. The best thing you can do is jump in the wagon while understanding you will have break down and it is ok!  The wagon need to be tune occasionally, surround yourself with good people! 

We promised to help my sister to move first week end of September. I found out 4 days prior! I always keep my words and there was no way I would have let my sister down because he screw up! Knowing it would be our last family week end get away, I decided we would honor our commitment and drive to Qc. Part of the process of realization is actually our mind deciding to forget! I was able to be respectful, smiling and funny. I didn’t have to try very hard, I just blocked the recent event and try to enjoy each moment. Ok I did it for the kids but also because part of me needed to experience our family one last time. It wasn’t easy, I told my family and cried in their arms while Him wasn’t around. Him asked me why they were so nice with him, I just answered; In my family we are classy! and it is true, my family were mad and supportive but for me and the kids they were able to treat him as usual. All week end I called him Hunny, babe, etc. I would correct myself but habits don’t die easy. It was very uncomfortable I think for everyone but it was part of my grieving. I won’t lie, living like nothing was going on probably slowed down my recovery of a few days but things that were common wouldn’t be anymore and I wanted to capture our family one more time. I guess what I am trying to say is: you will experience moment where your brain will go in ”us mode”, meaning referring to what you had and loved. You will have moment where you will need to relive the past; just remember that this also mean slowing down your progress. You are the only one that know the right speed to move forward just remember that you are now your priority. I didn’t act nice with Him to please him I did it for me that week end.

You know that perfect family you see in the movie? That was us; Him, me and the kiddos. It started as a fairy tale and although life had its up and down it was pretty happy overall. So the ”other life” Him was living was pretty shocking to me and that’s when it ended… or maybe started, only the future will tell us. You see when the person you love the most betray you you can react in many ways: you can scream, cry, attack, hide or go in solution mode. I went in solution mode: that night I drafted a childcare schedule, made a 8 weeks plan, and ask questions while staying super calm. I asked him what he wanted to do, he said separate and eventually divorce. I didn’t cry, well not in front of him. I don’t think I was grasping what was happening. This lasted for weeks. In no time I had a psychologist (for me and the kids), a lawyer, 30 job applications submitted, a support system in place and the school was informed of the situation. I can see how people may think: wow she didn’t care! I did care, I was a total mess for weeks. I was hoping the man I married would come back, but he was now a stranger. The first thing I discovered was that I was not alone. I felt like no one could understand me, all my friends are married and happy. But these same friends came to support me, they listened, they let me cry and repeat my story over and over again. I knew I had a lot of friends, but I never really understood how much they meant to me and how much I meant to them until this event. So if you are in a similiar situation, reach out to your friends. At some point they will tell you their advices, solutions, opinions and it is fine; you need their vision to take you out of your confuss and sad mind. Look around…. you are not alone 🙂

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton